Yelling at a Mirror Will Not Make it Shatter

I have always had a love-hate relationship with choreographing solo performances.

On the first day I decide to make a choreography, I get so excited, and the moves seem to come together so easily. I walk away happy after making about a minute of progress. And on the second day, I rip into what I accomplished on the previous session, declaring that what I made is not good enough. Ah, the joys of being a perfectionist!

It has been 3 years since I have choreographed any solo work of over a minute in length, and I finally feel up to the challenge again...sort of. To be perfectly honest, I probably wouldn't even consider this project if I weren't teaching it in a workshop. But I am, and so for myself and my students, I am going to continue to kick myself up the hill of artistic struggle until I reach the apex of my creativity. I will probably crash and burn a couple of times along the road, but I am prepared for that and will do my best to fend off self-berating negativity.

Currently, my biggest road block with this project is tapping into the perfect aesthetic. The song I am using is "Phonic Milkshake", a remix of Kelis' classic by Gypsyphonic Disko. Pitting two entirely different music genres - hip-hop and Balkan brass - against each other is usually a love of mine, but apparently when I have to create something concrete to go with the music, I have serious issues. I cannot find my individual style in what I have created thus far; it feels like it has become far more modern cabaret bellydance than tribal fusion.

Manufacturing choreographic inspiration in advance of a performance is not my forte, but I should practice the things that are difficult so that I can be an all-around better artist. And if that includes channeling my inner cabaret again, I'll do it. I know that if I keep pushing forward, I'll get to the other side of the hill and this piece will feel like me again. Patience has never been my greatest virtue, and it is evident now more than ever...but only if I am patient will the real magic happen.

If you'd like to hear "Phonic Milkshake", you can listen to it or download it for free here!

"Do not cave in, you are made of stronger stuff than that"

The title of this blog is a direct quote from my dad, texted to me on Friday morning. Well, I may have corrected his spelling a little bit, but that's only because he doesn't text often and can't spell properly with his cell phone.

I don't know how Dad does it, but he always tells me exactly what I need to hear, when I need it most. Friday was a rough one; I was stressed out about work, about moving, and about the tense and complicated situation I wrote about in my previous entry (see below for pseudo-clarification). Dad wrote to me about the latter, and called me 3 minutes after texting me to make sure that I got his point. He repeated that I am right to stand up for myself, and that he and my mother and many others will stand by me if things get worse. They raised me right, he said, and I can get through this, he knows it. Dad is Mister Fix-It, so I wasn't surprised to hear from him, since I've been having trouble...rather, I was shocked by how deeply his words affected me. I couldn't stop the tears from flowing while on the phone with him, but I kept my voice as even as possible, since I know he doesn't deal well with crying women (most guys don't, for that matter). The part that got to me the most was when he said, "I am so proud of you, Kiddo."

By the end of the conversation, I was convinced that I need to stick to my guns. I was also 159% sure that I needed some chocolate in my system.

Shortly after talking to my dad, I heard from two people that I'm not biologically related to but that are still pretty much family, and they delivered the same kind of encouraging message, letting me know that everything will work out and I will be stronger because I didn't give up. Their generosity and love, combined with Dad's amazing message, have me convinced that God was giving me a sign that day: It is time to stand up for myself.

It is time to have faith that I am acting in a positive way, and that I am dealing with this mentally and emotionally abusive situation in the best way possible, by confronting it. I am very scared, but I know I'm not alone.

Pitchforks and Pretties

Do you ever feel like someone is out to get you one second, and then the next they are acting like you are their very best friend?

This is how I have been feeling lately...and I'm about 95% sure that the person that has been affecting me this way feels exactly the same about me. I have unintentionally hurt someone mentally and emotionally. I will play the "YOU did it first!" card for a while, but I still feel more guilty than angered.

I don't want to cause drama, and I don't want to hurt anyone further. I have no ill will toward this person, but the way I have been treated makes me want to lash out. It makes me angry in a way that is dangerous and unhealthy for me. I am a sensitive person, and that is something I have always known...but I am asking honestly, is it "sensitive" of me to expect to be treated fairly and equally, if I am trying to do the same for you?

I have always been the softy in my family, the one that will cower instead of fight. Even if I am in the right in a situation, it is difficult for me to come to my own defense. I feel guilty for dealing any blows, even if I am being attacked and fighting back would be my only means of freeing myself from the melee.

...And I'm out of steam. If you don't know what this is about, that's fine. Good, actually. Like I said, I don't want to create a big fuss and cause problems for this person or anybody else involved. I just want peace and I want the unfairness and mistreatment to STOP. I'll quit first.

Holy Blog, Batman!!

Yes, I know that I keep saying that I will write more often.
Yes, I know that I haven't exactly been reliable on that.
Yes, I know that I should discontinue this list of "Yes I know"s now. And I shall.

A very big gap of time has passed since I last typed something in on Blogger, and I won't beleaguer you with all of the details. Suffice it to say, I have been dancing a lot more. Like, a LOT more. My schedule has picked up exponentially. I used to count myself lucky if I performed twice each season, and now, I'm performing an average of around 3 times a month. I have also started teaching a bit more and will be giving 3 workshops - 1 in Ventura, 1 in Lancaster, and 1 in Bakersfield - this spring. I hope to add even more to the schedule soon!
In addition to this, I am currently learning Hot Pot Improvisational Tribal Style (ITS) from April Rose of UNMATA and Bellydance Superstars. It's a challenge, but a lot of fun! I'm just finishing up Level 1 (out of 3) and will move on to Level 2 at the start of February.

On top of that, I'm still working full-time and commuting back and forth between my current home in Chatsworth and the office in Hollywood. That will all change soon, as I am moving closer to work, yay! AND I'M MOVING INTO MY OWN PLACE!!!! My adoptive sister and her family and my parents are helping me move in the middle of next month, and I can't wait to escape. The situation at C-worth has truly soured, so I've broken my lease early to get away. I might give you more details later, or I might not.

Nothing is going on in the realm of dating and relationships at the moment, and I'm actually pretty okay with that. I do have an interest or two, but I know that I should focus more on my career at this point. I still believe in love, and when it is meant to happen for me, it will happen.

Even with all of these good things and blessings coming into my life, I am feeling terribly overwhelmed by everything. We are getting ready to launch another bellydance tour, and since we're not working with a promoter this time, I have to work extra hard to get the information out there. Factor this in with my own dance schedule, moving, making time for friends, etc., and you've got one busy Roxy Roxstar (yes, that's my new moniker).

I long for the day when I can tour, travel, teach and perform full-time. The Bellydance Superstars dream I had given up on has come back in full force, with a tablespoon of self-confidence and several heaps of encouragement from a few of the cast members that have become my friends. I'm not ready to ask for an audition opportunity yet, but soon...maybe.
Out of the frying pan and into the fire, as they say!

<3
Roxy Roxstar

P.S: Photo courtesy of Michelle Hilario!

Kicking the Habit (Not the Nun)

Regardless of how busy I have been in the past several months, I always have time for at least three of my patented freak-out sessions every week. Throughout the course of these self-ravaging discussions between my brain and my hormonally compromised emotions, I scare myself into thinking that my life is complete shite. Don't worry; I know that's certainly NOT true...but occasionally, I find myself believing it, in all honesty. Here is a list of what fears consume me:

What I Tell Myself, During My [More] Emotional Moments
-I will never be good enough, for myself or anyone else.
-I am not putting my degree to good use.
-I am alone.
-I will not be able to make a decent living if I choose to focus on belly dancing.
-I am not business-savvy enough to have a proper job.
-I fail at the job that I have.
-I suck at taking control of my life.
-I am a disgrace for not being able to keep it together.
-I don't know where my life is headed.
-I am twenty-three. By now I should have everything together; I should be able to handle it all. I should not be struggling at all.

After having an enlightening discussion with a very dear friend of mine last night, I decided that I needed to make another list, to combat the negativity:

What I KNOW
-I have a full-time job that pays weekly and appears to be steady.
-I have a nice and reliable new car.
-I have a roof over my head.
-I am able to pay my student loans, car payment, car insurance, and rent and utilities every month, without any outside assistance.
-I pay for my own food, gas, entertainment, etc.
-I have enough money to maintain my lifestyle...as long as I don't gamble it all away in Las Vegas next month.
-I am on my way to building a great [and hopefully sustaining] future in the belly dance community.
-I have many friends and family members that would be more than happy to see me; all I need to do is call them.
-I have an awesome dance family that will always push me to make my dreams a reality.
-I am just twenty-three. For the age that I am, my life is pretty together...but I can't expect everything to be perfect when I am still this young.

Now that I have made my fears and my realities visible, I think it will be easier to manage the freak-outs...or at least, I hope it will be. I need to have faith in myself again, because I am worth more than what I credit myself. It's time to kick the habit.

Hugs, Hearts, and Mudra Farts

Being the emotional head-case that I am, I have let my stress and personal drama tear me apart for the past 8 months. I have admitted this many times, both to myself and to the interwebs (sorry, to those of you that have heard it over and over again), and I have complained about how rough real life has been to me.

That is all about to change, but it could be slow going. Just warning you now.

Today is the 2nd day of Lent, and in the Christian faith this is considered a time of sacrifice, reflection, and preparation for the revelation and resurrection of the Lord. I consider myself a Christian, and for this cycle of the 40 Days, I am sacrificing something that is extremely superficial, yet has become far too important in my life: Facebook. Recently, I have been using this social network to bemoan my woes for all to see...and comment upon. It is also great for advertising my dance events and so forth, but I need to do some serious recalibration of my life, sans so much internet contact.

A major emphasis of the Catholic celebration of Lent is made on sacrifice and fasting, but I know that I need to enrich myself as well, not just abstain from unhealthy and unnecessary things. As such, I have decided that I will wake up each morning and dance, rather than my usual workout. Dance is more empowering to me than anything else, and there may be some mornings where I feel like sleeping in, but really - how tough is it to get up and shake your groove thang? Not very.

Another pledge I have made to myself: I will read at least one chapter in the Bible, every single day. Getting to know and understand my faith better will help strengthen me and get me through the rougher days in my future. By the way, if anybody ever wants to talk religion with me, let me know! I love hearing about all of the different faiths of the world; I am a life-long learner and really enjoy studying other cultures and belief structures.

Throughout Lent [and afterwards], I will be reflecting on the many people I know and love that have made my life great. Among these people is my wonderful dance sister Karma, who gave me the idea for the title. A few weeks ago, we were out for a girls' night dinner, and we began talking about different facets of Indian dance. I showed her a particular mudra (hand gesture; there are around 300 of them) that I had picked up from an instructional DVD, and attempted to pronounce the name. Karma laughed and said "Oh, you mean the fart mudra!", and we collapsed into fits of giggle-snorts. This woman - along with many others in the dance community - inspires me SO MUCH with her strength and spirit.

I am a very blessed person. To all of you that have played a role in my life, I am grateful for your kindness, friendship and love!

TTFN,

Roxi G.

"Never Give Up, Never Surrender"

Hi, I'm a Galaxy Quest dork, yes.

It's tough for me to find the time and energy to write right now, but I just wanted to log something on here to remind myself that life is about the journey, not the destination. No matter what hardships I face, I WILL get through them. I may be down right now, but I'm definitely not out. I will continue to live, laugh, and love...and I will kick ass [when I need to] while doing so.

TTFN,
Roxi <3